One half is not whole One lost is not found
by Iroyuki
Summary: A prequel to "We, still as one". This one shows Italy's side of the story. This features a lot of dark Italy too so he may be ooc.
1. Chapter 1

_When did the need for Death truly come to me? Was it when I fought with fratello? Perhaps my fight with Ludwig. Could it have been the wars I fought many years ago? Or did it run deeper than that?_

...

"Feliciano wake up." Feliciano only groaned in response before turning the other way and sleeping again. "Oi bastard! Listen to me!" Romano yanked the blanket off his sleeping brother who turned to him tiredly. _'perhaps_ today...no, _not today.'_

"Come on, those damn Allies are heading this way, you have to go!" Romano said with a harsh scowl. "What?" Feliciano said not believing what he heard. "I have to go fight, they're in my place. The bastards already took over most of Sicily," Romano said shoving things into a pack. "Here, you have to go somewhere safe, I'm trying to stop them but I don't know if I can." Romano gave his brother the pouch and his rifle.

"Fratello, I have to fight too." Italy said taking the rifle. "No. I can do it. Damn America and Britain are strong and so is Canada. That damn Potato bastard isn't treating us so great either," Romano said. Italy looked at his brother who looked horrible. How bad was his fight? "Fratello, me and you make Italy together. I won't let you fight alone," Italy said. His brother nodded in approval.

"Feliciano, I have to go back. Be safe okay? Ti voglio bene," Romano said before taking his rifle and leaving the tent. Feliciano sat in silence before standing up. 'How bothersome life is now," Feliciano thought as he left the tent, hands firmly grasping the gun.

...

Feliciano gripped the brush in his own hand and gently stroked it against the canvas. How great it felt to paint. "Feli, I'm going out," Romano said before walking out the door. Feliciano only continued to paint.

The canvas seemed to bleed the blacks and greys as the red tainted the blank spaces. He hummed softly to himself as he painted. _"Ah~ with just_ a _stroke of the Paintbrush,_ _a beautiful world can be seen,"_ he sang softly before humming again. He set the brush down and smiled at his work. "Hetaaliiiaa."

He picked up the canvas and admired it for a few more seconds. It held no picture but held so much meaning. Every dark stroke painted his tainted thoughts so well. He sighed and tossed it into a garbage bag and threw it out.

Feliciano went to the kitchen and silently took out the pasta from the cupboard. Pasta, one of the many joys in life. Tomatoes come in too, and what's some tomatoes without one of his favorite people.

 _"~Nee nee papa_ , _wain wo choudai, nee nee mama, nee nee mama_ ~" the phone rang and Feliciano picked it up. Speak of Tomatoes and _he_ will arrive.

"Fratello, are you almost home? No? I see... No, you have fun with big brother Spain. Si, I'm sure. No Fratello, I'm fine. Maybe I'll invite Germany. FRATELLO! That is not nice! Okay, bye! Si, ti figlio bene."

Pasta for one? That's fine. The water was now boiling and Feliciano tossed in the noodles as he sang to himself. _"Oh, with just a single boil, a recipe that will make you cry tears of joy."_ He carefully cut the Tomatoes and pretty soon sat down with a plate full of pasta. He took his glass of wine and raised it. _"With_ _our boot, let's make_ _a_ toast _,"_ he sipped the drink. _"Hetaaliiiaa."_

Yes, clumsy Italy is how the world saw him. He preferred it that way. He hoped that someday soon, he too will believe he is just sunshine and happiness as they do.


	2. Chapter 2

"Italy, you're so cute!" Spain said as he hugged him tightly. He could feel Romano's cold stare from the other side of the room and chose not say anything. "Big brother Spain, Im thirsty. Can you get me a glass of water?" Feliciano asked, hoping the Spaniard would stop being all over him. He smiled at his brother. "Fratello, it's nice to see you again," he said and the older brother scoffed. He has been spending an awful long time with Spain. We're they banging? No, Lovino is way too religious.

"You know, the other day Roma was telling me something interesting," Spain said handing him a glass of water. "He says he's been practicing the violin, is that true?" He asked with a cheerful smile. "Yes, Fratello is really good at it!" He said. Of course he was. He had a natural gift. He also had the better singing voice and was a better flirt. Feliciano envied him. He was strong and independent and handsome. His sharp features made him look meaner and he had a beautiful skin tone.

He spent the day with Spain and Romano before Germany picked him up. "Germany, do you want to stay for dinner?" Feliciano asked as he dropped him off home. "It gets kinda lonely here without fratello," he said giving a pout. Germany agreed and the two went inside. He made pasta and ate together with his German friend.

Germany was tall and buff. He had beautiful eyes and a deep voice. How does not sleep with women every night with those looks? Oh right, he was awkward and possibly gay. "Germany, why aren't you ever with any women?" "Huh? Well I don't see the need. Besides I kind of like someone already," he replied flushing red. "Oh, is it Hungary?" He asked teasingly. "Nein." "Ukraine?" "Again, nein." "Then perhaps you don't like women. Maybe you prefer someone like Japan?" "What? Why would you even think I like Japan? He is my friend." Germany said drinking his beer. "Oh, then can it possibly be me?" Feliciano looked up at him with big innocent eyes. "Surely not, because we are friends too. Right?" He said teasingly.

Germany flushed red and looked at his small Italian friend. "I like you, Ludwig," Feliciano said scooting closer. The two leaned in and were soon in a very heated kiss. When Feliciano pulled away he could see Ludwig bright red and breathing heavily. "Ludwig, can you be my first?" Feliciano asked flushing red.

...

Feliciano woke up the next morning sore. He could feel Germany's large arm around him as he snuggled him closely. The room was dark and quiet and Feliciano sighed.

 _Why was this so painful? So much for being Catholic. God surely wouldn't forgive him now. He couldn't bring himself to care though. Where was his god when he needed him? Where was he when his first love went to war? Where was he when his grandfather was suffering or when his people were? Where was he when Feliciano was doubting his life?_

He shifted and could feel the pain shoot through his body as he sat up. He stood up and wobbled into the bathroom. He turned the water on and let it get hot. He could see the finger marks, bruised into his waist. He went into the shower and scrubbed hard. He could still feel the sin all over his body as the remaining liquid slowly oozed out of him. He still felt dirty, but he didn't care.

He came out and Ludwig was already dressed. "Ve~ thanks for a good night, Ludwig," he said hugging the other man. "Ja. So are we... Dating now?" Germany asked flushing red. "Yeah, I guess so." "I see! Well I have to go back home. I'll uh, text you when I get home," he said giving a small peck on Feliciano's cheek and leaving.

Feliciano sighed as he slowly sat back down. He was tired and didn't want to get up. He loved his brother but he hoped he wouldn't come home yet. Then he would have to get up and make dinner. Then again... He picked up his phone and dialed a number.

"Bonjour~" France said as he picked up the phone. "Big brother France. Can you bring me dinner? No, I don't want to get up. I'm not sick, just had a...hard...night. okay I'll see you soon."

...

"Fratello, can you pose for me?" Feliciano said looking over to his brother. "Huh? No way. Don't you have better things to paint?" Romano said looking at his brother coldly.

"But you're so handsome, I want to paint you," Feliciano said happily. "Don't bother trying to flatter me, bastard. I'm busy today anyways. Maybe tomorrow," Romano said moving about the house. "Promise?" "Ugh Feli. Fine, Si I promise." Romano answered putting on his coat.

"Where are you going?" He asked. "Out. I'll bring dinner tonight," Romano said before grabbing his keys and walking out. Romano seemed busy lately. He would leave for hours and show up late at night wearing a fancy suit. Feliciano often wondered where he went but Lovino never told him.

Night came and Romano came home with a bandaged arm and take out. "What happened?" Feliciano asked looking at his arm. "Nothing, just eat, bastard." Romano silently ate and Feliciano watched him. What was going on? He was worried and he didn't want his brother getting into trouble.

The next day Romano came home from shopping and Feliciano hugged him. "You promised today," he said with a pout. "Si, I did," Romano said putting down the bags he held. He allowed his younger brother to pull him into his art studio and watched him get the paint.

Feliciano watched as his brother posed ridiculously and said "how's this?" Feliciano couldn't help but laugh. It was times like this he wanted to be alive. The times when Romano smiled so freely. The times when he had a brush in his hand and a beautiful view in front of him. He opened his eyes and studied his brother. He was beautiful and Feliciano loved him. But what he was feeling... Was it really sibling love... Or something different? He didn't know.

He looked at his brother and his soft tanned skin made his throat tighten. His beautiful hard eyes entranced him, like a deer watching the headlights of a car get closer, but he wouldn't be that deer. He would jump into the safety of the forest before he was trapped beneath that car. He thought... No, he wasn't the deer, Lovino was. He's the delicate animal that runs from any sound that hints danger, but would fight if the moment called for it.

He was the deer that was strong and proud yet delicate and sensitive at the same time. Lovino was a deer, a beautiful creature that belongs far from evil humans. He will drink from the river of life and eat from the earth that is him. Feliciano was the deer entranced by the lights that were sin, and he did not move when it came foward and hit him.

Feliciano was pulled from his thoughts by a sudden stop in his motion. He looked at the canvas and couldn't remember starting. He was satisfied though. He had painted the deer that is Lovino and he was sure it was his best work. His brother looked at it and hit him. "What is this? I'm not a deer, Feliciano. I sat there for hours you know," Lovino said angrily. "I think I got you pretty well. The deer represents you Fratello," he explained and Lovino gave in. "Can I keep it?" Lovino asked and Feliciano agreed. He loved his brother and would give him anything. Isn't that the way to love?

...

 **Woah, did I just go Itacest? Yup! Enjoy it while you can Itacest fans!**

 **This is going to get really dark soon.**

 **Another thing I don't think this one will go to 25 chapters. Maybe about 10 at most**


	3. Chapter 3

Feliciano looked around. He could have sworn he put his notebook on the shelf but it was nowhere around. "What are you looking for?" Romano asked from his doorway. "Ve~ I can't find my paperwork. Germany is going to kill me if I lost it," Feliciano said. "Che. I want to see that damn Potato try," Romano said scowling. "Help me find it!" Feliciano said beginning to toss things around. "Good luck," Romano said walking away. "Fratello!" Feliciano yelled before getting a phone call. "Ciao~ oh hello Germany." "Italy, I got your paper work. Do you want to tell me why you sent me the recipe to Spanish Paella?" Germany said irritatedly. "Ve? One second," he said running to the book shelf. He pulled out his Spanish recipe book and opened it. His paper work then fell out of the book.

"Sorry, Germany. There was a mistake, I'll be over with the right paperwork tomorrow. Si, I'm sorry. Okay Ciao~" He hung up the phone and bent down to gather the papers. He picked up a page before looking at a small drawing onto a paper. He slowly picked it up and looked at it confused. It was a quick sketch of Romano, it looked as if he was in pain by the way he had tears falling and he was gripping the sheets beneath him in this picture. No, more like extreme pleasure. Whoever had drawn it was a good artist.

Something in the back of his mind didn't seem right. "Oh wait... I drew this," Feliciano said to himself as he stood up. How strange of him to forget that he drew something like this. Why did he draw it? He looked at his paperwork and thought back. How did he mix up a stack of papers with a recipe?

~memory~

Feliciano sat on the kitchen table doing his paper work for a meeting with Germany. "Oi, make me dinner," Romano said walking in. "Sorry Fratello, I'm really busy at the moment," Feliciano said scribbling on the papers. "Fine I'll cook! Where's that cook book?" Romano asked. "The one big brother Spain gave us? It's in my shelf," Feliciano said not looking up from his work.

Romano left and returned before placing the book next to Feliciano on the table. "How does Paella sound?" Romano asked. "I want pasta though," Feliciano whined. "Stop whining you eat it everyday anyways," Romano said looking over the recipe and walking away.

Feliciano took peaks at his brother as he went about the kitchen cooking. It was rare for him to cook but man did he look good doing it. He looked down at his paperwork before realizing he had drawn something. He had been so distracted in his brother he didn't notice he had drawn him in such a vulgar way. He placed the picture underneath the other paperwork and finished quickly. He stood and looked at the food his brother was preparing. "Ve~ It looks good but I really wanted pasta," Feliciano whined. "Whatever, go wash up bastard," Lovino said. Feliciano nodded and went to the table. He picked up the paper with the recipe and shrugged as he placed it down. "Oi, get me a towel, hurry," Romano said and Feliciano did. He hurried to put the papers back into the recipe book and closed it before putting the other papers into an envelope. He then mailed the papers and went back to eat.

...

That's strange. He didn't remember being so forgetful all the time. It started once he became a teen, right? Why is that? He shrugged and got his bags ready.

The next day Italy triple checked his bag before going into his brother's room."Fratello, can you double check my bag?" Feliciano said going to his brother's room. "Huh? Why me? Do it yourself bastard," Romano said returning to his book. "Please. I want to make sure I have everything." Romano groaned and made his way to the suitcase and looked through it.

"Seems about right. How long is the meeting?" "A week. I should be back by Saturday," Feliciano said taking his bag back. Romano hummed in thought before walking away. "Is something wrong?" "No, I was just thinking." Romano gave an uncomfortable look and Feliciano continued to look. "You can tell me." "It's just, that damn Potato always invites you over. Do you think he's gay?" Romano asked. "Ve~ I don't know. Maybe," Italy replied not wanting to tell his brother about their relationship. "Well don't let him touch you. I will kill him," Romano said before walking away.

Italy sighed and looked back at his brother once more before leaving to catch his plane. He wasn't so sure why he felt that way about his brother. Perhaps he was just confused.


	4. Chapter 4

"Ve~ Germany! I'm here. Look I brought the right papers." Italy quickly hugged the large blonde as he arrived at his house. "Good grief, how did you manage to mistake the papers?" Germany said taking the envelope.

"I'm just forgetful and clumsy I guess," he said sitting beside him. "Why is that? I'll have to look it up later," Germany said. "Germany, hey Germany. Can I have a kiss?" Italy asked. Germany flushed red as he looked at his Italian boyfriend. "You know, you don't have to ask," he said giving him a peck on the cheek. "But I like your reaction when I do."

By dinner time Italy had made pasta and the two sat eating while Italy continued to talk. Prussia walked into the kitchen and saw the duo. "Ita-chan is here? Why didn't you tell me?" He said running to hug the Italian. Italy smiled and hugged back before standing and serving him a plate of pasta. "Bruder, where were you today?" Germany asked as Prussia slurped his noodles. "With France. Hey you sure eat alot of Pasta " he said to Italy who was now getting a second plate. "Si, I love it." He said cheerfully.

Prussia smirked. "You know, I read online that if you crave pasta it's because you're horny." Italy looked at him in almost a scowl before returning to a smile. "That would explain a lot," he said. Germany flushed a bright red and choked on his pasta as Prussia laughed loudly.

...

That night the couple sat on the couch looking through Germany's laptop as he looked through the reasons why Italy may be so forgetful. "Depression can often cause forgetfulness and anxiety," he read. "There is no way that is the reason," he said as he closed the page.

Italy stared at the empty home page before Germany closed the laptop. "About earlier," he said coughing, pulling Italy out of his thoughts. "I would like too, as well." Italy said knowing what Germany meant, long before he even said it. The two went into the room ready for a sweat filled night. For one, a night of love. For the other, a night of emotional release.

...

Italy could hear the soft breathing from Germany behind him as he layed awake. His mind could only wander to the article.

Was he really depressed? It would explain so much. Perhaps he was too depressed to even think correctly. That would explain his random episodes, or his sudden infatuation for his brother, or why he's laying there naked now. But why was he depressed? How long back did it start? Perhaps during all the wars, watching his people die-no killed brutally must have had it's toll on him.

Perhaps it went further back when he learned his love was killed or when his grandfather disappeared. He could easily think of a million reasons to be depressed, but the idea still surprised him. What was he to do? He's lived this way for as long as he could remember. Who could he trust to help him in his time of need?

Noone would do the job better than death himself, but he couldn't do that to his brother. No, it would be a big toll on him and other countries would take advantage of his sudden weak state. The two made one, the two made Italy whole, and one half does not make one whole.

But he wasn't okay. Maybe him existing was the actual toll in his brother's life. He wasn't right in the head and as a part of each other, maybe it was affecting Romano. Maybe the reason Romano is so cold and distant is because his depression is affecting him. Maybe he would be better without him. One half is not whole, but if you throw the other half, then it ceases to exist. With no existing other half, then the remaining piece is the only one, making it whole and one whole is stronger than than two halves that repel each other.

Italy sat up, ignoring the pain that shot through his body. He put on his clothes and made his way to the window. He opened it and felt the wind burst in as he shivered from the sudden attack. He looked outside and could see the ground two stories down. He sighed before looking up, the roof was so close to the window.

He looked about inspecting the walls before carefully climbing out. He held onto the ledge as he turned and pulled himself up and onto the roof. He stood there enjoying the cool wind that greeted him excitedly. He looked down and could see the distance was enough to severely injure a human, kill a small child but couldn't possibly affect the nation permanently.

He held his arms out and walked on the ledge of the roof feeling the pebbles and loose brick chips slide off as he stepped over them. He walked on the invisible tight rope as he walked along almost hoping he would fall into death's arms so he may envelope him into his own world.

"That's dangerous." Italy turned to see Prussia watching him from below. Even from the distance, Italy noticed he lacked his usual smirk and cocky attitude as he spoke quietly and seriously. One of the dogs barked and he watched Prussia go inside to hush the dog before coming back out. "I won't tell west if you come down right now and come inside."

Italy raised an eyebrow before nodding and slowly trying to climb down. He managed to get down half way before Prussia had to help him down completely. The two went inside where it was warm and smelled sweet. "Want coffee?" He asked as he pulled out some mugs. "Si, please." He watched Prussia lazily pour the coffee and place the cups onto the counter in front of him before going back to the oven. He pulled out a tray of freshly baked cookies and quickly moved them to a plate before sitting in front of Italy.

The two sat quietly as they indulged on the sweets and coffee. "Are you going to tell anyone?" Italy asked. "No. I'm curious as to why you were up there alone so late, but it's not my business." Italy looked surprised as Prussia kept a calm attitude. "We all have our secrets but please don't do that again though. It scared me, I thought you were going to fall," Prussia said giving a worried look. "I'm sorry." "I like you, Italy. You're the only one who can make my brother so happy. He would be crushed if you got hurt."

Italy felt a pinch of guilt as he heard that. What he felt for the German, was it love? Infatuation maybe? Perhaps it was just a comfort thing, for him to know he was wanted and needed in some way. Maybe just a stress reliever, he didn't know but he was hoping it was love though he was sure comfort was more accurate.

"How did you know I was out there?" Italy asked. "I could hear you climbing the wall. Also the rocks fell right by my window so I had to see. I'm surprised west didn't wake up. Guess he just had a tiring night," Prussia said sending a small smirk to Italy. He shifted awkwardly under his gaze. "I'm sorry for waking you." "I wasn't sleeping. Anyways you should go back to bed. I'll see you tomorrow." Prussia stood and with his coffee in hand and left to his room.

Italy only sighed before making his way to Germany's room. He slowly stripped and could see the purple mark on his hip bones and neck as he glanced at the large mirror. He sighed before slowly climbing under the covers. Not long after he felt Germany wrap his arms around him before he himself drifted to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Ah! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! It's been a while since I updated this story so a huge apology to those who have been waiting! Here's the chapter and again I apologize! I love you guys so please enjoy this story!**

...

Feliciano hummed as he stirred the pasta. "Hey, you're still here," Prussia said as he walked into the kitchen. "Si, is that bad?" Italy asked confused. "No, I'm just surprised Romano hasn't called threatening us yet," Prussia said as he took out the juice and poured himself a glass. "Uhm.. how long have I been here?" Italy asked curiously. "Uh, about two week?" Prussia said shrugging. "What? Oh my gosh, Romano is going to kill me!" Italy said turning off the stove. "Woah! Don't worry just stay one more night, he won't care," Prussia said stopping Italy. "It'll be the same if it's tonight or tomorrow right? It's getting late, just stay one more night," Prussia said and Italy slowly nodded.

He went back to making pasta before Germany came in to eat. "Ve~ I'm going back tomorrow morning," he said as they say eating. "Of course. Romano called I assume?" He asked. "No, he must be with brother Spain so I want to be back before him," he said gaining a nod. "Ah, I should visit Spain soon," Prussia said with a sigh. "Nein, you two and France always get drunk and then Romano or Myself have to get you three after you do something stupid," Germany scolded. "Then I'll visit Romano," Prussia said teasingly. "Nein, you know how Romano is," Germany said. "What does that mean?" Italy asked seriously.

The brothers looked at him surprised. "What, do you have a problem with my fratello?" He asked slightly annoyed. "Uhh.. no?" Prussia answered uncomfortable with his change in personality. "I just meant I didn't want Prussia to annoy him. He always calls me and it's a pain having to pick him up so I'd rather him not bother him," Germany replied uncomfortably. Italy nodded before smiling again. "So, since it's my last night, I thought we could maybe bake something together," he said smiling. "Uhm, I have to go update my blog. Sorry, maybe next time, Feli." Italy nodded to Prussia who awkwardly drank his beer. "Germany?" "I'd love too," he replied scowling at Prussia.

...

Prussia was gone in his room and both Italy and Germany were mixing ingredients into a bowl. "I love baking, it's relaxing." Germany smiled softly as Italy had a bit of frosting on his cheek. "You know, baking sweets always reminds me of someone I knew long ago," he said softly. He was smiling but his expression looked sad and distant. "Who?" Germany asked curiously. "Holy Roman Empire. He was my first love and when he went to war, I waited for him. Everyday I baked sweets, waiting for him to come back but he never did," Italy said with a sad smile.

"There you go again," Germany said making Italy look up. "Ve?" "Everything is always about him isn't it?" Italy looked at Germany shocked. "What? No!" "Then why are you still so obsessed with him? I'm here now, isn't that enough?" He asked giving a sad expression. "Germany it's not like that. I was just lost in thought," Italy said frowning. Germany sighed and nodded. "No, you're right. I'm sorry, I lost my temper," he said softly before hugging the Italian. "Let's just make the cake," he said and took the whisk. Italy nodded and watched as Germany continued with a frown.

...

"G-Germany." Italy panted and gripped at his arms as the heat suffocated him. He stared into the blue eyes before something else came to mind. He reached over and ruffle his hair, making it fall foward. His eyes widened and began to tear up before a sudden sensation hit. "Oh- Holy Rome!" Everything froze and Italy began to curse himself. "What?"

Italy bit him lip guiltily as Germany stared at him wide eyed. "Italy, what did you just say?" Germany said, grabbing his wrist and pinning him down on the bed roughly. "Germany, you're hurting me," Italy whined before feeling water droplets hit him on the cheek. "Germany?" He looked up and felt his eyes widened as Germany was red faced with tears spilling. "Just now, you called my Holy Rome," he said softly. "Is that all you think about during this?" He asked roughly. "When we do this kind of stuff, is he all you see? Is it?" He asked gripping Italy's wrist tighter. "Ow! N-no. Let go of me," Italy said trying to pull his arm away.

Germany pulled him up still gripping his wrist tightly as Italy was now tearing up from the pain. "What, am I not good enough that you have to think about your past lover?" He asked harshly. "It's not that!" Italy yelled. "Then what is it? Answer me, Italy!" He yelled shaking him. He stopped and his face softened when he saw Italy crying too. "Please let me go. It hurts," he whimpered and Germany quickly let him go. He fell back onto the bad and quickly scooted back as he cried and rubbed at the red marks forming on his wrist.

"Italy, I'm sorry," Germany said reaching for him but pulled back as he visibly flinched. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you I just. I got so angry," he said wiping his tears. "You're only with me because I look like him, right?" Germany asked gaining only sniffles as a response. "I'm sorry, I can't do this right now. I'll still be with you if you want but I want you to be with me for me and me only. Not Holy Rome." Germany changed and walked out of the room, leaving Italy alone crying.

Italy held his wrist and continued to cry. The worst part was, he didn't know if he felt guilty or not. He had a right to his own emotions, it wasn't right to feel bad over them. But what did he feel? Was he crying because of guilt? Maybe because he was scared and in pain, or was because he truly had a thing for Germany? He didn't know and the frustration kept his tears flowing.

...

"I'm going now. Bye," Italy said as he walked away from the airport. "What happened between you two?" Prussia asked only to be ignored by Germany. Italy got onto his plane and made it back to Italy. He found his brother asleep on the couch and sighed. He was going to be in big trouble, he only hoped he wouldn't make it obvious he was upset. He decided he loved Germany and he wanted to stay with him and though he said it and Germany forgave his apology, the atmosphere was still tense and awkward.

He turned off the television and pulled a blanket over Romano before going to the kitchen. He would make pasta to lighten the mood. He would fix things with Germany soon but for today, he would work things out with Lovino.


	6. Chapter 6

"You're finally home." Feliciano flinched as he heard his older brother. He turned with a smile as he served plates and did his best happy voice. "Ve~ you're up! Bad day fratello? Don't worry some pasta will cheer you up!" He set a plate down and Lovino sat down and picked at his food. "You were gone for two whole weeks." He said plainly. Feliciano knew he wasn't going to sweeten his way out of trouble this time. But it wasn't time for the white flag just yet.

"Germany took me sight seeing after the meeting and I lost track of the days. Im sorry I didn't call fratello." Romano scoffed and Italy gulped. "What I wanna know is what's going on between you and that potato bastard." Italy sat quietly staring at his plate for a few seconds before mumbling out an 'I'm sleeping with him.' "Im sorry fratellino, I didn't catch that." Romano said in a monotone not looking away from his brother. Feliciano realized that's not the best response and cleared his throat before replying. "We're dating."

He didn't look up as Romano's face turned to shock before scowling. "Now you listen to me Feliciano. And I say this for your own good. Break it off." Feliciano looked up at his brother with tears in his eyes. He finally decided how he had felt for the blonde. He couldn't just throw it away. " I love you fratello but I cannot approve of this."

"But fratello!"

"Feliciano it's wrong and you know it is. God forbids it and I will be damned if im letting you go to hell because some stupid potato bastard cant keep himself off of you."

Feliciano inwardly scoffed. God? What God? The one that killed their grandfather after making him suffer? The one who took Holy Roman Empire? Or perhaps the one that did nothing as _Millions_ were killed in bloody wars. He didn't care about God. He cared about Ludwig.

"Fratello no way, this is not fair. I wont do it." Feliciano stood up now crying and angry. Why can't his brother understand

"Feliciano for once listen to me!"

 _'Listen to him? He wants me to listen to him... for once? I have always listened to him. I have always been there and he's treating me like I never do anything for him. Now he won't even let me be happy for once in my shitty life. What kind of bullshit is that?_ '

Break it off and then ill have a talk with you." Romano turned to leave and Feliciano moved to go after him, only to drop the plate on the food. Romano turned around and Feliciano felt the frustrated tears coming now.

"Im not going to Romano. You're just jealous cause I have someone and you don't. There's a reason I'm obviously the better half of Italy. You're just an asshole about everything." Italy shut his mouth as he realized what he said. It was a sudden slip of the tongue, he didn't mean too.

He stared at Romano who had a look of shock before it turned to one of sadness then contorted to one of pure anger.

"Listen here you stupid bastard, you don't talk to me like that. And me, jealous? Ill be honest, yes I am jealous but not for your stupid boyfriend. I'm jealous because you've always had everything and everyone always surrounded you while I didn't have shit to my name. Except the meaning that so explained me perfectly. 'To ruin', while your name means happiness. That's total bullshit. While I'm here trying my best, everyone ignores me. Yet when you do the exact same thing you get all the praise. Sometimes I wish you didn't exist, you just get in my way. No one seems to notice that I'm Italy as well. I was the first Italy but you took the name from me so now im just Lovino, Romano fucking Vargas. I don't see what makes you so damn perfect anyways. So you can paint well and you're always happy, at least im not some whiney stupid little faggot that cant even tie his own shoes!"

Italy looked at a crying Romano shocked. He never imagined his brother to ever feel that way about him. He should have known that he was just a bother for his brother. He didn't know what to say. It was his fault his brother had an outburst but he was at fault too right? But still, he felt guilty and wanted to apologize, but he wasn't sure for what to apologize for first. Before he said anything Romano ran out the door and slammed it shut, leaving only silence.

Feliciano bit his lip in guilt as the tears spilled. He was right, he should have never existed. He decided he would end it all. He wouldn't tell Germany. He wouldn't tell Ludwig. Noone has a right to stop him.

He sat reading Lovino's old diary, wondering how long his brother hated him. From what he could see, a long time.

One diary entry caught his eye though. His eyes scanned it once. Twice. A third time, and he smiled as he closed the book.

Lovino meant to ruin. Feliciano meant happiness. It seemed their names were meant for the other. Lovino's name didn't mean to ruin. It meant _he_ was ruined. Lovino was meant to have happiness, but that didn't mean Feliciano. He would give everything up, for his brother.

He's had enough anyways. He just wanted the reassurance. He grabbed the rope as he recited the last entry in his head.

 _'Dear diary,_

 _I did it. I finally got my brother back. I'm so happy I have him back. He may be more annoying now and seems dumber than before. But it's okay, I will still always love my little brother. Through all my envy of him I've come to realize why I love him too. No one will take him away from me again. I haven't felt complete in so long. We are one again and I wouldn't want it any other way._ '

He smiled as he climbed up the chair. "You have been such a good big brother." He took the noose in hand and stared at it.

He sighed, hoping to see the sight of the one he missed most. He stared at the gap in the noose, waiting for the small blonde to hold out his hand on the other side, to invite him in. Nothing.

 _'Of course. What am I expecting if God isn't even real? I lost Holy Rome long ago. Just because I die, doesn't mean I'll see him again. Even if heaven did exist, he'll be there and I'll go straight to hell. One lost will never be found again._ '

He sighed and gently slipped the noose over his neck. He just wanted everything to end. He didn't care anymore. He raised his leg off the chair and heard something he wish he hadn't.

"Feliciano? I need to talk to you. Listen, I'm really sorry for everything I said."


	7. Chapter 7

"Feliciano? I have to talk to you about something. Listen, I'm sorry for everything I said."

Feliciano panicked and tried to get off the chair. He didn't want his brother to catch him in the middle of this, only to save him. He stumbled as he tried to get off, only to kick the chair and start dangling of the rope.

"Look I wont get mad for the potato bastard, I just want to talk things out and say I'm sorry. Look I even brought you gelato."

The words faded and he began to loose consciousness as he struggled. _'No. Not like this. Please, no_.'

His hazy vision darkened and the last thing he saw was the door open and a hazy figure standing in front of it before everything went black.

...

Feliciano felt light. He felt as if he was in water. The soft light rays hit his eyes and he clenched them tighter. They softened and he heard a soft voice.

" _The Atlantic was born today, and ill tell you how. The clouds above opened up, and let it out."_

"Lovino? Is that you?" Feliciano tried to open his eyes and found it difficult to do so.

 _"I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere when the water filled every hole._

 _And thousands upon thousands made an ocean, making islands where no island should go... oh no_."

The music was muffled and he wanted more than anything to see his brother. He struggled until his eyes cracked opened.

He looked around seeing nothing but blue everywhere. He took a breath, and only bubbles came and rose up. His eyes widened and he trashed around, trying to swim to the top, only to be stuck in place.

He felt a pain in his chest and he watched as in a flash, everything came to him. Every war, every death, every day. It went away and he found himself gently floating up.

As he reached the surface, he could hear Lovino so much clearer.

" _And the distance is quite simply much too far me to row. It seems much farther than ever before. Ooh noo"_

He was closer than ever. He could feel the warmth, of the surface.

 _"I need you so much closer. I need you so much closer. I need you so much closer. I need you so much closer. I need you so much closer"_

His body came out of the water and he took a deep breath, the music cutting completely as he inhaled the clean air.

Silence surrounded him, not one movement. There were no ripples in the water as he layed in it, staring at the light blue sky. "Fratello?"

A soft sound made him turn and he watched as the man approached him quietly, a soft smile clear on his face. "Nono?"

His eyes widen and he stood, finding no weight in himself. He jumped into his grandfather's arms and wept as his grandfather rubbed soothing circles on his back.

"Wait if you're here then that means.. I'm dead," Feliciano said.

"That's right. Your time came. I'm so proud of you for making it this far," The man said. "I'm dead. I'm really dead," he said, not believing it.

Feliciano looked around at the lake. He took a step foward and felt his feet touching a bottom, the water not passing above his toes. He stomped, wondering why he wasn't sinking.

"So this is heaven?" He asked kneeling in the water. The older man gave a laugh. "No, this isn't heaven. This is the place where all your tears went. Every tear dropped, landed here."

Feliciano dipped his head inside the water and they widened to see it much deeper then when he stood on it. He watched as scenes from his past played out on different passing particles.

He pulled his head out and found his hair not one bit wet. "If it's really water, then why am I not wet?" Feliciano asked. "Because they do not affect you any longer. You are dead, these tears, these memories, they will not affect you any longer. They won't hurt you anymore," His grandfather said.

Feliciano felt the familiar pit in his stomach. He was going to cry, but no tears came. "Nono. It's over. I'm dead, everything is over," he said before taking crying-like breaths.

He stood and took his grandfather's hand. "Come, we go to heaven now," Rome said, guiding Feliciano away.

...

 **A/N: again sorry this took long, I've been really stalling my updates. I actually like how this chapter came out. Just as I promised though, it won't be too long of story.**


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